How tech can affect your relationship and two things you can do about it

I cannot imagine my life without cell phone or internet, unable to communicate with my partner and with other people. But on the other hand, iPad, cell phones, Facebook and all the social network tools are posing a challenge to our relationships: are we really present for our love ones or have we lost contact with them because our arsenal of gadgets?

Many have become addict to texting or checking the mail in their smartphones, while other can't keep their hands off their devices to be connected by internet. Nonetheless, the paradox is that being connected brings more and more disconnection and less intimacy with our closest relationships. We can find many example of this. Have you been lunching with your partner while he/she is texting their friends? Have you tried to start a conversation with your partner while she/he wears the headphones while surfing through videos in YouTube (it is hard to compete for their attention).

It is not only a matter of disconnection. I can think of many other examples of how technology might have negative impact on our relationships. For example, how technology has been used for controlling a partner ( "I'd better answer the phone or he/she may think that I am cheating on him/her!"). Or did you happen to witness in Facebook the drama between a couple that is breaking up? 

I cannot deny either the advantages of technology such as communicating with your relatives that live abroad, getting information on how to improve ourselves and our relationships, getting help in case emergency, meeting new friends without thinking about geographic limitations or becoming a global community to change things that are not right! Thanks technology for that!

I want to share with you two advice that can help you to regain some intimacy in  your closest relationships if technology is causing you problems: 

1. Get as much face to face time as you can. Set a goal and commit to turn off your gadgets for an hour a day, just to have some quality time with your loved ones; and 

2. Do not expose your relationship life to the eyes of others in the social networks or in the public domain. Keep your intimacy private to avoid negativity that could damage your relationships coming from envy, gossips, privacy invasion or simply your partner disagreeing because you disclosed private things in the social networks. Not mentioning security matters.

Any other advice?

One ingredient that shouldn't be missing in your relationship

In the past ten years, we have witnessed how to get a steady job is becoming more challenging each day. Moreover, it is more difficult to get one that goes from 9 to 5 or from Monday to Friday. With all the connectivity and the increase of productivity, we are working more hours than ever and we are unable to keep our personal/ family life separated from our work life. But, are we truly seeing how this impact our relationships? Or have we noticing how this long working journeys are drifting you apart from your partner? 

We believe that love endures all, and that our partner will be understanding and patient with our work dynamics. But the truth is that we are all human beings with needs and our relationships is like a plant that need to be watered periodically.  You might not be aware, but your relationship could be under stress because one ingredient is missing: quality time with your partner. When you finally notice it, the signs will be evident and the conflict will have escalated. Your relationship might be in jeopardy and you have to take measures is you don't want to face a worse scenario.

The problem is that we are unable to control the most precious asset that we have: time. It is not easy to balance your personal, family and work life nowadays. You have to set your priorities, and allocate your time in accordance. Nonetheless, you have to remember two things: first, love is not implacable and you need to take care of it; and second, if it is hard to find a good job, but it  is certainly harder to find a good mate. Take a look around you, and ask yourself: how would I feel if tomorrow my job was gone and how would I feel if my mate was gone? Then compare, and take actions.

If time is a great concern in your relationship, how are  you dealing with it?

Love beyond the harships of life

It is easy to enjoy your love relationship when everything goes right. Harmony helps your love to blossom, to enjoy life together and to feel deeply connected. But what happens when you are passing through a tough moment of your life. For example, when you are facing the loss of someone important, when someone in your family is very ill, when you have lost your job or when you or your partner are going through a depression due to a  personal crisis.

Tough moments in our life are big challenges for the couple and for their love. Many couples don't know how to support each other or show empathy for their mate. They don't know how to respect each other feelings and to resist the temptation to leave the relationship just because they are facing difficult situations. Many partners don't know how to be the rock for the other person in the moments when the other person needs them the most.  Couples strive during these hard episodes of their life and two outcomes might be possible: either they drift apart until one day they separate or they fight together making their relationship stronger with each challenge  they overcome. These outcomes are not produced by miracle or by chance. There is a lot a couple can do to stick together and resist those storms until the sun rises again. 

Have you faced situations like these? What was the outcome for you?

In next posts, we will discuss what you can do if you and your mate are going through the hardships of life.

Love at second sight

Falling in love is an amazing experience: all the colors look bright, the life seems so easy and perfect, and you see you partner as the most wonderful person on earth. Seeing your relationship through rose colored lenses make you forget your boundaries. Who cares about boundaries when all that you want is being with your partner and be united with him/her. Nonetheless, when the crush is gone and the love veil is lifted from your eyes, you begin to notice that your lover after all is an imperfect human being. This is the beginning of the love at second sight.

The love at second sight happens when after discovering all the things you dislike about your partner, you love him/ her as he/she is. Take a look again. Does he/she snore at night? Doesn't he/she understand you sometimes? Doesn't he/she like all the hobbies that you have? Doesn't he/ she care about certain things that matter?  Isn't him/ her so attractive as when you met? Doesn't he/she want to be with you all the time? Probably you don't want to be with him/her all the time either. It is not that things have change greatly, what happened is that you were not able to perceive this reality because of your infatuation.

If after all the differences and dislikes that you are able to identified now, both of you accept your imperfect relationships and find that the things that you like of each other outnumber the ones that you don't like. you are in love at second sight.  

Are you with right partner?

One of the most important decisions in our lives is whom we choose as partner. This decision can have a huge impact on our health and our life. Healthy Love App is a tool for those women that wish to be in a peaceful, respectful and loving relationship. This App will give them clues to find out if they are with the right partner through or Healthy Love Quiz.

The power of loosing you

We tend to be more severe, critical and judgmental with the people that are closer to us: our partner, parents, siblings and best friends. We are usually more demanding and have higher expectations about their behaviors and their treatment toward us. I would use the world implacable to describe us. 

How come we can be so hard on them if they are the ones we love most?  We care so much about them, that it is extremely important to us to correct them, to let them know we won't put up with their injustices or selfishness and to teach them how to behave, because we want them to fit in our mold of perfection. I guess unconsciously we don't want to loose that relationship. Therefore, we try to control anything that we see as a deviation of our ideal image of love.

Let me tell you that in the problem is the solution. Whenever you are tempted to be hard on someone you love, think about this: how would you feel if tomorrow this person was gone forever? Every time, I see the possibility that this could be the last day of the life of the ones I love, I get more tolerant, patient and understanding with them. Those things that annoy me are not important anymore compared to what their loss would mean to me.

The idea of loosing someone forever is so powerful that it lead us to a new perspective about the conflicts we have with them, and at the same time it can prevent us from being hard on them.

One thing to do for non complaining

 Have you find yourself trapped in the vicious circle of complaining about everything? Have you notice that more often than not, most of your talk is full of complaints. Is people starting to avoid you because they perceive your negative vibes? Is your partner tired of your complaints? If you answer is yes to most of these questions, you are a complainer, or at least you are in the way to become one.

When people tag you as complainer, you 'd better watch out because your reputation is at stake. Moreover, this negativity will attract more negativity and your situation might get worse.  That is why when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, everything seems to go wrong. Complaining brings more negative things to you and doesn't bring any solution to the situation that is annoying you.

It is very difficult to break this pattern of complaining, but you will find some techniques that will chase away those dark clouds over your head. The simplest and practical one is this: if you find yourself complaining,  apply this easy formula:

"Complaint" + "but"+ " positive statement"

An example on how to apply this formula is this : "I hate when the meetings start very early in the morning since I have to wake up earlier (complaint) , BUT I know I can accomplish more tasks during that day (positive statement). Here is another one: "I don't like my hair (complaint), BUT I am grateful to have hair( positive statement). I could have been bald".

Remember that every problem is an opportunity, but first you have to stop complaining in order to adopt this approach. Use the "but" formula and stop complaining now.

Any other techniques that you would like to share?

Three ways to deal with breakups.

Breakups are one of the hardest experience you can go through during your life. They can leave you scars and painful memories but they also can make you stronger. They might look as we are never going to recover or like you are never going to be in love again. But trust me, this chapter of your life will pass and you will be happy again.

Meanwhile, there are several things that you can do to help deal with this crisis. Susan J. Elliot in her book "Getting Past Your Breakup. How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" have a complete list of activities to support you in this process. Nonetheless, there are three that I find extremely useful:

1. Going no contact. you might find a long list of reasons why you should keep in touch with your ex, but doing so will prolong your pain and leave you feeling frustrated. With every encounter, you will  experience the breakup over an over again.  Avoid all kind of contact! And I will stress these words : ANY KIND!

2. Look for support in your friendship network. Anytime you feel depressed or in despair for contacting your ex, agree with a friend that you will call her/him instead. Remember this song: "that's what friends are for!"

3. Journal. Journaling is one of the most healing activities. Every time you feel bad, you can go to your journal and express all your feelings whether they are positive or negative. Everything will be between you and your journal. The best part of it is that you won't be judge and it will help you to move forward.

I want to believe that Ms. Elliot is right when she says that this devastating loss will be the best thing that ever happened to you. You have to believe it too if you want to overcome pain and find happiness again, but first give you the time for grief and for acceptance.

Next time you ignore me: stonewalling your partner

Mary have been in a relation with Jack for the last 7 years.They met at work and it was love at first sight. "I just saw his eyes for the first time and that was it. I couldn't take him out of my mind". Seven years later, it is difficult for Mary to believe that she is considering leaving Jack. As she stated, "I can't take it anymore. Every time we have a fight, he won't talk to me for days, and this hurts me profoundly. I feel lonely and with a burden in my chest. Then, he starts to talk to me again, but since we couldn't arrange the things we were arguing about, I feel frustrated an exhausted. I am wondering if this will change one day. I cannot imagine go over an over this situation for the rest of my life".

Mary, like many other women and men, are facing Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the refusal to cooperate, to resolve the conflict, to listen to the other point of view or to compromise.  Stonewalling may include to ignore the other person, or punish him/her with the silence treatment which is by the way a form of abuse because its objective is to control the partner. If you think you might be in abusive relationship take the Healthy Love Quiz for iPhone:https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a way of punishing a partner for complaining, failing to comply with the desires of the stonewallers or trying not to make an argument worse. Nonetheless, this behavior is as painful and harmful to the other person as any other form of violence. In the long term, it can have health consequences for your partner.

How to deal with stonewalling:

1. You and your partner must be aware that stonewalling is a form of abuse that might destroy your relationship. Find out what you are partner is feeling or thinking when you stonewall or when he/she does it.

2. Discuss with your partner ways to deal with this situation. If you are not able to discuss it by yourselves, look for couple counseling.

3. Agree that if one of you need a time off to calm down,  it is OK to do so, but you must be specific on how long it will last.

4. Keep in mind the next time you are stonewalling your partner, that it could be the last time, since they might choose to leave rather than continue enduring your stonewalling.

Overcoming defensiveness: 5 tips to save your relationship.

Being defensive when your partner is trying to tell you that something is not working right is the best recipe for communication failure.  Defensiveness is understandable, since nobody like to be criticize or have the feeling of inadequacy and imperfection when someone is complaining about you, but its results are harmful for your relationships. First, the situation that is bringing the conflict in the couple will not be resolved, because you tend to react overly sensitive, blaming your partner, complaining, getting angry instead of listening to what your partner is saying. 

Second, you will loose an opportunity to let your partner know that you care about him/ her and his/her feelings and how he/she sees the situation. Off course, that doesn't mean that he/ she is right and you are wrong. It is matter of different points of views and how to find a middle ground. And defensiveness is blocking the road to this midpoint.

Third, defensiveness don't help you to focus in the real issue. You might be bringing other topics to the discussion in order to counterattack, you might be using manipulation to put the blame in your partner or you might be misinterpreting the intentions of your mate.

To scape from the trap of defensiveness, a degree of self-control is required. These tips might help you to deal with this matter:

1. Remember all the talents, abilities and positive traits that you have. Relay in your self-worth and remember that the complain that your partner is bringing to the table doesn't mean that you worth less.

2. Let your partner express all that he/she has to say until he/she has finished. Listen carefully without judgements and try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Ask questions to try to clarify the situation. Think that this is not about you or against you.

3.  Do not react immediately. Breathe and take your time to react to the complain. Count to ten if necessary to cool off. Make a reality check: How are you feeling? Is your body still tense?

4. Take responsibility for whatever is happening. After all, it takes two to have a conflict and this is the person you have chosen to be with.

5. If you are unable to respond calmly, it is better to agree to take a brief pause and to return to the discussion once you are able to control yourself and to respond to your partner without anger. This is not stonewalling, because you have to agree to take a time off with the objective to calm down and to avoid harmful responses. Stonewalling is a tactic which objective is to punish and control the other personal not to regain self-control.

If your relationship is a priority for you, are you willing to overcome defensiveness? With practice, you will find it less and less difficult to get rid of defending your self and communication will improve significantly.

Let know how are you doing in applying those tips.

Saving your relationship: no more criticism for your partner!

In my last post, I commented that criticizing your partner is a good predictor of a future breakup/divorce. If you want to protect your relationship and want to prevent it from ending, you must stop criticism.  I know that It is not realistic not to complain about things you do not like about your partner, but here are some tips you might find useful:

1. If you have to complain, focus on the action or situation, not on the person. 

2. Remember all the things you like about your parner, before saying anything.

3. If you are angry, wait until you are calm to express what it is bothering you.

4. Ask yourself: do you want to be right or do you prefer to be happy? Remember that everyone does things in different ways and we must be respectful of these differences as long as they don't hurt anyone.

5. Above all, do not insult, humiliate, demean or belittled him/her because this is an abusive behavior. If you think you are being abusive with your partner, try the Healthy Love App for iPhone: https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8, and take the healthy love quiz from the point of view of your partner.

Be kind, after all this is the person you have chosen to be your partner! 

Five things that could kill your relationship

According to relationship expert, John Gottman, there are 5 things that can predict accurately if you relationship will last or will end. If you identify these five signs, you should be careful because you are in the path to destroy your Love:

1. Criticism. It is not a matter of expressing that you feel uncomfortable with some behaviors or actions of your partner. It is a matter of expressing judgement or disapproval to the person itself, their personality or character.

2. Contempt. You are not feeling respect for your partner, you regard him/her with disdain, as inferior or worthless and treat him/her with sarcasm/ cynicism to the point you demean him/ her.  Watch out if you use sentences like "you always..." Or "you never", they are good indicators for the presence of contempt.

3. Defensiveness. If you react overly sensitive or in a very strong way when your partner make a complaint, suggestion or observation, you are being defensive.  You may react blaming your partner, responding with a counterattack or having an innocent-victim attitude. You deny your responsibility in whatever started the conflict, loosing an opportunity for improving your communication.

4. Stonewalling. After several episodes of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, the response might be stonewalling, that is the refusal to cooperate, to resolve the conflict, to listen to the other point of view or to compromise.  Stonewalling may include to ignore the other person, or punish him/her with the silence treatment which is by the way a form of abuse because its objective is to control the partner.

5. Finally, if repair attempts don't work, you relationships might be facing the worst scenario. Repair attempts are statements/ actions that a person say/ take to prevent the situation from getting out of control or escalating in an harmful way. For example saying "I'm sorry", hugging the other person, show empathy, etc. 

If you detect these signs in your relationship, there is 90% of probability that you will breakup in the future.

In my next posts, I will tell you what you can do to improve some of these issues.

Four rules to choose a partner

One of the hardest decision in our lives is knowing when to leave a relationship, specially for women. Women have been educated to endure, to please and to think more about others than about themselves. That is why when they finally decide to leave a relationship, things have deteriorated greatly. The emotional cost is high!  Therefore, we suggest to adopt a prevention focus when choosing  a partner.

A prevention focus means following four simple rules:

1. Be aware that choosing a partner is a decision that can have a huge impact in your life.

2. Work in your self-esteem. Having a high self-esteem will prevent you from jumping into a romantic relationship with the first person that crosses your path.

3. Take time to know better the person you are dating before establishing a love relationship. Know about how he/she behaved in past relationships in order to identify patterns. After all, the probability to repeat this behaviors is high. Observe his/her attitudes toward gender equality, beliefs about roles in a couple, lifestyles, etc.

4. Be clear since the beginning about the things that are important for you and that are non-negotiable. After all, having a partner doesn't mean you have to abandon your life as it was before. In other words, do not isolate yourself. Isolation takes place in abusive relationships.

Please tell us your stories and experiences or send us your contribution. Write us at socialinclusionapps@gmail.com.

Healthy love: an App for finding out if you are with right partner

One of the most important decisions in our lives is whom we choose as partner. As Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of the bookLean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, has stated: “The Most Important Career Choice You'll Make Is Who You Marry”. Moreover, this decision can have a huge impact on our health and our life.

Worldwide, three out of ten ever-partnered women have experienced intimate partner violence (IPV) at some point of their life. Women affected by IPV are more vulnerable to HIV infection, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), alcohol use, depression, suicide, injuries, and death from homicide.  Therefore, choosing a partner can be a life or death decision.

Many women are striving to get out of abusive relationships, while others are not even aware they are experiencing IPV. Healthy Love App is a tool for those women that wish to be in a peaceful, respectful and loving relationship. This App will give them clues to find out if they are with the right partner.

Healthy Love App has been developed by two appreneurs from El Salvador and Mexico."Our apps are aimed to promote a life free from violence against women and an inclusive and positive focus about our lives, our relationships and our society. Violence against women is an epidemic problem and the Apps can be part of the solution", explained the appreneurs.

Download Healthy Love App for IPhone now and share it with your female friends! https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8

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