Next time you ignore me: stonewalling your partner

Mary have been in a relation with Jack for the last 7 years.They met at work and it was love at first sight. "I just saw his eyes for the first time and that was it. I couldn't take him out of my mind". Seven years later, it is difficult for Mary to believe that she is considering leaving Jack. As she stated, "I can't take it anymore. Every time we have a fight, he won't talk to me for days, and this hurts me profoundly. I feel lonely and with a burden in my chest. Then, he starts to talk to me again, but since we couldn't arrange the things we were arguing about, I feel frustrated an exhausted. I am wondering if this will change one day. I cannot imagine go over an over this situation for the rest of my life".

Mary, like many other women and men, are facing Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the refusal to cooperate, to resolve the conflict, to listen to the other point of view or to compromise.  Stonewalling may include to ignore the other person, or punish him/her with the silence treatment which is by the way a form of abuse because its objective is to control the partner. If you think you might be in abusive relationship take the Healthy Love Quiz for iPhone:https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a way of punishing a partner for complaining, failing to comply with the desires of the stonewallers or trying not to make an argument worse. Nonetheless, this behavior is as painful and harmful to the other person as any other form of violence. In the long term, it can have health consequences for your partner.

How to deal with stonewalling:

1. You and your partner must be aware that stonewalling is a form of abuse that might destroy your relationship. Find out what you are partner is feeling or thinking when you stonewall or when he/she does it.

2. Discuss with your partner ways to deal with this situation. If you are not able to discuss it by yourselves, look for couple counseling.

3. Agree that if one of you need a time off to calm down,  it is OK to do so, but you must be specific on how long it will last.

4. Keep in mind the next time you are stonewalling your partner, that it could be the last time, since they might choose to leave rather than continue enduring your stonewalling.