Overcoming defensiveness: 5 tips to save your relationship.

Being defensive when your partner is trying to tell you that something is not working right is the best recipe for communication failure.  Defensiveness is understandable, since nobody like to be criticize or have the feeling of inadequacy and imperfection when someone is complaining about you, but its results are harmful for your relationships. First, the situation that is bringing the conflict in the couple will not be resolved, because you tend to react overly sensitive, blaming your partner, complaining, getting angry instead of listening to what your partner is saying. 

Second, you will loose an opportunity to let your partner know that you care about him/ her and his/her feelings and how he/she sees the situation. Off course, that doesn't mean that he/ she is right and you are wrong. It is matter of different points of views and how to find a middle ground. And defensiveness is blocking the road to this midpoint.

Third, defensiveness don't help you to focus in the real issue. You might be bringing other topics to the discussion in order to counterattack, you might be using manipulation to put the blame in your partner or you might be misinterpreting the intentions of your mate.

To scape from the trap of defensiveness, a degree of self-control is required. These tips might help you to deal with this matter:

1. Remember all the talents, abilities and positive traits that you have. Relay in your self-worth and remember that the complain that your partner is bringing to the table doesn't mean that you worth less.

2. Let your partner express all that he/she has to say until he/she has finished. Listen carefully without judgements and try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Ask questions to try to clarify the situation. Think that this is not about you or against you.

3.  Do not react immediately. Breathe and take your time to react to the complain. Count to ten if necessary to cool off. Make a reality check: How are you feeling? Is your body still tense?

4. Take responsibility for whatever is happening. After all, it takes two to have a conflict and this is the person you have chosen to be with.

5. If you are unable to respond calmly, it is better to agree to take a brief pause and to return to the discussion once you are able to control yourself and to respond to your partner without anger. This is not stonewalling, because you have to agree to take a time off with the objective to calm down and to avoid harmful responses. Stonewalling is a tactic which objective is to punish and control the other personal not to regain self-control.

If your relationship is a priority for you, are you willing to overcome defensiveness? With practice, you will find it less and less difficult to get rid of defending your self and communication will improve significantly.

Let know how are you doing in applying those tips.