Will you walk with me on mondays?

If you believe that there are no free lunch, just let life teach you this: the best things in the world are free. Among those things, I woukd like to focus in one: walking on mondays.

How can such a trivial activity become one the best things that life could offer me. I forgot to tell you that is not walking by itself what inspires me, but the emotional meaning behind it.

Fifteen years ago,  one of my best friends decide to go back to her country. Years passed by and I lost communication with her. I didn't even know whether she was dead or alive. I had no clue what her life was like. The memories of our frienship vanished with time or maybe they were stored deep in my heart. One day I made a business travel to California and during a conversation with someone, suddenly those memories reappeared, urging me to look for her. Hopefully, she would still living in that state.

To my fortune, we now have one of the best tools to look for people: the internet ( I am not going to promote facebook, though many people have find each other by this mean). So, I googled her and finally found her. The first time we talked, it seemed as if the last time we had spoken was the day before. We spend a couple of days meeting after work, talking for long hours, catching up with our lives and reviving old memories. In our last dinner, happiness turned into sadness. "Will I see you again or will we have to wait fifteen years for our next encounter?" I asked her. We knew that our frienship was unique and nor time, neither distance would be able to keep us apart again (I hope you are reading this because I am counting on you to make this work).  

To overcome the sadness of saying goodbye, we made a commitment: every monday we would try to connect to each other in spirit while excercising at a specific hour and we would imagine that the other was at our side. I like to walk around my neighborhood during the evening and she likes to do Yoga on Mondays . "Will you walk with me on mondays during the time of your yoga sessions?"

"Don't be sad"-  she wrote to me by mail later that day- "We will be together again when we exercise on Monday".

Sent from my iPad

A simpler life, a more satisfying love

Are our goals compatible with our relationships? Our ideas of success sometimes goes against our happiness and ends by destroying what we treasure the most: the ones we love. 

Peter wanted to become a wealthy man to provide to his wife and kids whatever they would need. He was a hard-working man and worked more than twelves hours a day to built his career. Soon the promotions start coming and with them more responsibilities  and more work.  He was even unable to take the vacations he deserved, but for him the sacrifice was worth-while because his family was able to buy whatever they wanted. In a few years, he had become a well respected and successful executive. What nobody was aware of is that his wife was seeing someone else.  She felt so neglected that she found company in other man. One day she left and filed for the divorce. Peters' heart was broken because his family fell apart. 

It seems that Peters's goal to protect and provide to his family was not coherent with his strategy to focus in his career to become a high level executive with a high salary. More money didn't bring more happiness to his life, but I am no saying that poverty would either. A simpler life could let him have more time with his family. Love flourishes when you take care of it, not through materials things, but through affection, respect and dedication. It is not so easy to find a job nowadays, but it is more difficult to find someone to share your life with.

Are you able to build trust?

Madly in love,  Rebeca and Julia decided to live together after a few weeks of being dating. Both were young but Rebeca was ten years older than Julia. She had also had more experience in her love life. Before Julia, she had two other relationships which ended after Rebeca met someone new and cheated on her partner. There she was, beginning a new relationship, thinking that this time would be different. As for Julia, she was just coming out of the closet and Rebeca was her first relationship with another woman.

Seven years later, Rebeca began to go out secretly with another woman. One day she left Julia for this new love. Julia was devastated. Although she found support in her friends and family, she would always be wounded by this traumatic experience. One of her main challenges would to be able to trust again another partner. Until the day she would open to love again without the phantom of infidelity.

Rebeca kept on repeating the same story over and over again. Unable to become a trustable partner,  she built a reputation of being unfaithful. Sooner, nobody wanted to take the risk to initiate a relationship with her. As my best friend said, an intelligent person learns from her own experience but a savvy one learns from others' experience.

To tell or not to tell: the challenges of infidelity to family and friendship

Laura and Kathy both worked in the same place. Beside being Co-workers, Laura was Kathy's brother girlfriend and was about to marry him. So, they became close friends and seemed to get along very well. One day, a scandal happened in their work place: Laura was discovered having an affair with one of her male colleagues by the senior management. Kathy was devastated and felt betrayed by Laura. Kathy told Laura: "are you going to tell my brother about your affair or should I?" Laura was between a rock and a hard place, so she had to confess  to her boyfriend about her affair. They broke-up.

Months later, Laura and Kathy's brother reconciled and tried to save their relationships, but  in order to do so both decided to distance themselves from Kathy. At the end, Kathy was the scapegoat for the whole story. As Unjust as it seems, it was easier for the couple to put the blame of their separation on Kathy rather than taking a thorough exam of their relationships. What the future would bring to this couple? What would be the basis for their relationships?

Kathy had to face a dilemma between being the accomplice of her future sister in law by keeping the secret of the affair or being loyal to her brother by unveiling the infidelity.  Kathy decided to stand up for her brother and to be coherent with her values. What would have you done in her place? There is no a black and white situation, but different tones of gray.

Love and War: two brothers, one woman

Adam was two years older than Tom. The two brothers grew together but had different personalities. Adam was easygoing and relaxed. He was very popular at school and had a girlfriend that was madly in love with him. Her name was Caroline. As for Tom, he was shy, very responsible and not as handsome as his brother. Dating was not one of his strenghts. He felt he was not lucky in matters of the heart.

One day Adam invited Caroline to meet his familiy. When Tom first saw her, she inmediately fell in love with her, but kept it secret. He never tried to make any advances on her. The mother of Adam and Tom knew very well what was going in the heart of her sons. He suffered seeing Tom in pain because of his secret love and at the same time was happy for adam's relationship with Caroline.  "How strange is Life" she thought as she analyzed this situation. How was it possible that same reason that made so happy one of her son was the cause of the unhappiness of the other.

Years passed and Caroline got married. 'With whom?" you might be asking. Tell me what would be the correct way of ending this story. I really don't know. It is up to you. What I am more certain about is that love and war seem to be in opposite sides, but  have one thing in common: both of them leave winners and losers.

Broken promises: will we be together forever or not?

We all wish to be with our partner for the rest of our life. We don't start a relationship thinking that one day you or your partner will leave. This sense of insecurity is present consciously or unconsciously in some cases and in others it vanishes as we take our partner for granted. But at the end of the day, we do not where life is going to take us: will we be together forever or not?

Adele met Mike when she was in her thirties. They seemed inseparable. They shared passions, projects, travels and goals. Not everything was perfect, they had their differences but not anything that could drift them apart. They spent almost thirty years together, until the day they separated because Mike had another relationship with a young woman. Adele didn't see it coming. By then, she was sixty years old, entering in a period of her life where she felt vulnerable and need emotional  support since she had to accept that she was old. Once she told me sadly. "I thought Mike and I will grow old together. It doesn't make any sense to me to be separated from him at this point of my life when I need him the most". 

With time, Adele continued with her life surrounded by her friends and family. Fortunately, she was not alone. She didn't stop missing Mike though. I wonder if Mike misses her too. I wish this story will end with Adele finding love again in the arms of someone loving, loyal and committed. I don't believe Mike is a bad person. Life is complex and it is understandable that we try to seek our own happiness, but sometimes the costs are high and they are paid by the people around us. I would say to Mike : the most important thing is not having regrets at the end of our life because of the things that we did or didn't do.  As for Adele, I would share with her the old adage: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Let go of the past, take the risk of living in the present

Jane was a girl when her father decided to leave her mother. He fell in love with his assistant and was unfaithful to his wife. He decided to end his marriage to start a new life with his lover. Jane saw her mother suffering for this breakup for a long time. Jane promised herself that this situation was not going to happen to her.

When Jane became an adult, she established a relationship with a guy that loved her deeply. The guy wanted to marry her but she wasn't ready to commit because she remembered the situation she lived with her parents. Many times her boyfriend proposed to her, but the answer was always the same. The boyfriend gave up the idea of marrying her but this time he wanted to have a child with her. Of course the idea was not accepted by Jane. They lived together for ten years until the day the boyfriend realized that he was going nowhere with Jane and that this wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted to have.  So, he left Jane and afterwards started a new relationship, got married and had a girl with her new partner.

For Jane, the separation with her boyfriend was extremely painful. Loosing him made her analyze her life and realize that she hadn't been able to commit because she was stuck in the past, trapped in the memories of relationship of her parents. The cost of not letting go of the past was the loss of her love. To overcome this loss took her several years, but she was in the process of recovering from her childhood trauma.

Being stuck in the past didn't allow Jane to enjoy and to be fully present in her relationship. You cannot be in two places at the same time. You have to choose between being in the past or in the present,  or between let your fear determine you life or take the risk of deciding for yourself.

The first and unforgettable love

These days I was going over my facebook and I noticed how many pictures of mother and daughters/son were posted. No wonder! We were celebrating mother's day. I couldn't help to think how important our mother is or has been for our life. Therefore, she is our first and unforgettable Love.

You may think that this is obvious, but the truth is that to arrive  to that conclusion, some of us had to go through almost half of our lives to realize this. When I was a child, I knew that she was the greatest love of all, but as I entered the adolescence I couldn't feel the same way. I was uncomfortable around her, and everything else, friends, dating, etc., seems more important than her.

As the years passed, I grew old and she did too. Suddenly, one day I saw her walking with difficulties, her back was curved, her hair was gray, and her movement were slow as if she was afraid to fall down. At this exact moment, I realized that she was old and that she wouldn't live for ever ( I wouldn't too). In the face of this reality that one day I would loose her, I told my self that I would take care of her until the end of her life ( or my life). I could feel grateful and blessed that she was my mother.

Love dresses in so many different ways. In this case is the love between a son/daughter and her/his mother, the first and unforgettable love of our life. Hopefully we may discover this sooner that later, or at least before we say goodbye.

An Unusual Love Story

This time I would like to share with you a very personal post. Since love is the main topic of this post, this story fits perfectly with our editorial line, but it is not exactly the kind of love you imagine. This a very special one: a feline love.

I must start by telling you that a few years ago two cats entered my life: a gray and a black one. They loved me and taught me how to understand them and loved them back. They sat in my lap and kept me company while working in my computer. They played with each other and I played with them.  Sometimes I scolded them because they seemed to be fighting but they were really playing, They slept together side by side during the day (Cats spend most of the day sleeping and part of the night). They cleaned each other. Don't you think all between them was perfect: the male cat used to chase away the female cat so that he could eat her food. But beside that, they got along very well. they spent 14 years together. A lifetime from a cat perspective!

Two months ago, the female cat passed away. She had a kidney disease. We saw her deteriorating until the day we decided to put her to sleep to prevent her for further suffering. Since then, the male cat has become weepy. Today in the morning, before leaving for work, I found him under the blankets of my bed as if he was hiding from something. I guess he was hiding from a sad reality: that his female partner is gone and that he miss her a lot. I miss her too.

( To Sombra, our dearest black cat)

Dead Bed: when sex becomes a painful issue for the relationship

Jane and Mark used to have a regular sex life. After eight years of marriage, they usually found time to have sex once or twice a week, despite all the pressure Jane had in her job. But when she started to face new challenges at work and didn't feel Mark's support with the domestic work, her desire for sex almost disappeared. She     gave in to Mark's insinuations for sex once a month, but usually avoided the ocassion.  She went early to bed, argued that she had a headache or that she was tired, but after rejecting him many times she felt she should please him once in a while for the sake of the relationship. She felt sorry for Mark because she could feel his pain with every failed attempt to initiate sex and at the same time she was angry with him for pushing her to comply with his advances without even try to fix what was really going wrong with the relationship.

How many times have we heard dead bed stories like the one of Jane and Mark? These stories are very common and they usually pose a great challenge for the relationship. The situation is not quite easy, neither for the one that avoids sex nor for the one who demands it. There is a lot of pain going on in the relationships, and the self-esteem of both parties suffers. They ask themselves if the other person still cares or loves them. There is one more ingredient that adds more tension to this situation: our  inability to talk openly about our sex disatisfaction with our partner. It is important to talk, not to find out who is guilty, but to understand what is happening in the relationship and the causes behind this dead bed situation.

Avoindance and isolation won't bring any solution. Ignoring the issue will make the problem stronger and can increase the chances that something solvable becomes unsolvable. Sex is supposed to bring intimacy to the couple but on the opposite side sex can become a painful issue for the relationship.

Is it possible to revive passion and leave behind the dead bed issue? 

Is this love? when your most loved one become your worst enemy.

Mary wasn't sure about marrying Paul, but it was too late. She was already walking down the aisle, unable to stop the marriage ceremony. Six years later she decided to divorce but the process wouldn't be easy since they already had a four-year old daughter. Paul did not agree with this decision and one day he took the little girl and disappeared. Mary looked for her daughter for years. She travelled to different countries and searched for her everywhere unsuccessfully. But one day, she found her in the social networks. Thirty years had passed and her child had become and adult. Mary lived almost half of her life without her child, fighting anguish and praying each day to find her, or at least to get some information about whether she was dead or alive.

When I first heard this story, it struck me how a person is capable of doing something that could bring so much harm to her/his partner, and, as in their case, to her/his children. Off course, it is important to analyze the situation case by case, but more important is to be aware that love is not infallible and that your most loved one can provoke you harm in some point of your life. There is no need to have a divorce or separation to trigger a behavior that could result in an harmful experience to the partner.  To love and being loved is not a guarantee that you will be in a safe relationships.

You cannot predict if your most loved one will become your worst enemy in the future, but as a couple you can reduce the chances that this happens to you by starting to build three important things: empathy, a friendship and the respect to each other boundaries. As an individual, you must trust yourself and trust your partner, but not blindly. Finally, make your wellbeing a priority but not at the expense of abusing your partner.

Two stories and a love App

It is amazing how life gives you the right information at the right place and time. I would't name it destiny, but it certainly is the expression of cause and effect.

The first story. I was reading an e-newsletter from missrepresentation.org when my attention was drawn to a story that compared a nine year-old girl to a company. What both had in common? Both had designed an App. The article pointed out a contradictory situation. In one hand,  a nine year-old girl designing an app was a great news because it meant that girls and women where entering in a male-dominated field as Information Technology (IT). More representation of women in IT will increase the probability that technology takes into account the needs of women. In the opposite side, a company launched an app game which contents promoted more violence against women. This kind of technology poses a great risks since almost one third of ever-partnered women in the world are still suffering intimate partner violence.

The second story. While surfing in the internet, I ran across the information of a Hackaton that took place in Washington in 2013. For the first time, IT specialists and experts on violence against women gathered together to find solutions in technology to address this social problem. What an important initiative! Imagine what we could do if technology and other social topics found a common ground.

The result. After giving some thoughts to the two stories, my business partner, a young and talented IT specialist, and I decided to created an App that would represent the best of these stories. The result was our Healthy Love App for iPhone (https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8). we consider that this is an app for love for two reasons. First, it is a tool that will give you some clues to find out if you are with the right partner. And second, we strongly believe that small things can change the world, so this app is a small contribution for a large problem that sometimes hides disguised as love.

Follow us in Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/socialInclusionApps) and Twitter(@SocIncApps). 

 

 

5 things that couples should avoid if they want a long lasting love

There is not a magic formula for long lasting love, but there are things that you might want to avoid if you don't want to put your relationship in jeopardy:

1. Prevent your partner from seeing her/his friends and family. Obviously a relationship is to enrich your life not to put limitations into it.

2. Insist on knowing where your partner is all the time. People want to have a partner not a bodyguard.

3. Become jealous or get mad if he talks to another woman or if she talks to another man. It is inevitable to talk to other people from the opposite sex since they are half of the population. 

4. Suspect that your partner is unfaithful, specially if this is not real. Be careful with the self-fulfilling prophecy. You think so much about one thing that it becomes a reality in your life.

5.  Go over her/ his cell phone without her/his permission. She/ he has the right to her/his intimacy. (source: healthy love app for iPhone, in the App Store)

All of these are controlling behaviors that in the long term might open the door for abuse in the couple. It also discourages your partner to be open and intimate with you. At the bottom line, these behaviors are signs that you don't trust your partner and that you are feeling insecure about your relationship. Look for counselling to find out why you are trying to control your partner. It is never to late for a change that can lead you to long lasting love.

Can You think of others things to avoid?

How tech can affect your relationship and two things you can do about it

I cannot imagine my life without cell phone or internet, unable to communicate with my partner and with other people. But on the other hand, iPad, cell phones, Facebook and all the social network tools are posing a challenge to our relationships: are we really present for our love ones or have we lost contact with them because our arsenal of gadgets?

Many have become addict to texting or checking the mail in their smartphones, while other can't keep their hands off their devices to be connected by internet. Nonetheless, the paradox is that being connected brings more and more disconnection and less intimacy with our closest relationships. We can find many example of this. Have you been lunching with your partner while he/she is texting their friends? Have you tried to start a conversation with your partner while she/he wears the headphones while surfing through videos in YouTube (it is hard to compete for their attention).

It is not only a matter of disconnection. I can think of many other examples of how technology might have negative impact on our relationships. For example, how technology has been used for controlling a partner ( "I'd better answer the phone or he/she may think that I am cheating on him/her!"). Or did you happen to witness in Facebook the drama between a couple that is breaking up? 

I cannot deny either the advantages of technology such as communicating with your relatives that live abroad, getting information on how to improve ourselves and our relationships, getting help in case emergency, meeting new friends without thinking about geographic limitations or becoming a global community to change things that are not right! Thanks technology for that!

I want to share with you two advice that can help you to regain some intimacy in  your closest relationships if technology is causing you problems: 

1. Get as much face to face time as you can. Set a goal and commit to turn off your gadgets for an hour a day, just to have some quality time with your loved ones; and 

2. Do not expose your relationship life to the eyes of others in the social networks or in the public domain. Keep your intimacy private to avoid negativity that could damage your relationships coming from envy, gossips, privacy invasion or simply your partner disagreeing because you disclosed private things in the social networks. Not mentioning security matters.

Any other advice?

One ingredient that shouldn't be missing in your relationship

In the past ten years, we have witnessed how to get a steady job is becoming more challenging each day. Moreover, it is more difficult to get one that goes from 9 to 5 or from Monday to Friday. With all the connectivity and the increase of productivity, we are working more hours than ever and we are unable to keep our personal/ family life separated from our work life. But, are we truly seeing how this impact our relationships? Or have we noticing how this long working journeys are drifting you apart from your partner? 

We believe that love endures all, and that our partner will be understanding and patient with our work dynamics. But the truth is that we are all human beings with needs and our relationships is like a plant that need to be watered periodically.  You might not be aware, but your relationship could be under stress because one ingredient is missing: quality time with your partner. When you finally notice it, the signs will be evident and the conflict will have escalated. Your relationship might be in jeopardy and you have to take measures is you don't want to face a worse scenario.

The problem is that we are unable to control the most precious asset that we have: time. It is not easy to balance your personal, family and work life nowadays. You have to set your priorities, and allocate your time in accordance. Nonetheless, you have to remember two things: first, love is not implacable and you need to take care of it; and second, if it is hard to find a good job, but it  is certainly harder to find a good mate. Take a look around you, and ask yourself: how would I feel if tomorrow my job was gone and how would I feel if my mate was gone? Then compare, and take actions.

If time is a great concern in your relationship, how are  you dealing with it?

Love beyond the harships of life

It is easy to enjoy your love relationship when everything goes right. Harmony helps your love to blossom, to enjoy life together and to feel deeply connected. But what happens when you are passing through a tough moment of your life. For example, when you are facing the loss of someone important, when someone in your family is very ill, when you have lost your job or when you or your partner are going through a depression due to a  personal crisis.

Tough moments in our life are big challenges for the couple and for their love. Many couples don't know how to support each other or show empathy for their mate. They don't know how to respect each other feelings and to resist the temptation to leave the relationship just because they are facing difficult situations. Many partners don't know how to be the rock for the other person in the moments when the other person needs them the most.  Couples strive during these hard episodes of their life and two outcomes might be possible: either they drift apart until one day they separate or they fight together making their relationship stronger with each challenge  they overcome. These outcomes are not produced by miracle or by chance. There is a lot a couple can do to stick together and resist those storms until the sun rises again. 

Have you faced situations like these? What was the outcome for you?

In next posts, we will discuss what you can do if you and your mate are going through the hardships of life.

Love at second sight

Falling in love is an amazing experience: all the colors look bright, the life seems so easy and perfect, and you see you partner as the most wonderful person on earth. Seeing your relationship through rose colored lenses make you forget your boundaries. Who cares about boundaries when all that you want is being with your partner and be united with him/her. Nonetheless, when the crush is gone and the love veil is lifted from your eyes, you begin to notice that your lover after all is an imperfect human being. This is the beginning of the love at second sight.

The love at second sight happens when after discovering all the things you dislike about your partner, you love him/ her as he/she is. Take a look again. Does he/she snore at night? Doesn't he/she understand you sometimes? Doesn't he/she like all the hobbies that you have? Doesn't he/ she care about certain things that matter?  Isn't him/ her so attractive as when you met? Doesn't he/she want to be with you all the time? Probably you don't want to be with him/her all the time either. It is not that things have change greatly, what happened is that you were not able to perceive this reality because of your infatuation.

If after all the differences and dislikes that you are able to identified now, both of you accept your imperfect relationships and find that the things that you like of each other outnumber the ones that you don't like. you are in love at second sight.  

Are you with right partner?

One of the most important decisions in our lives is whom we choose as partner. This decision can have a huge impact on our health and our life. Healthy Love App is a tool for those women that wish to be in a peaceful, respectful and loving relationship. This App will give them clues to find out if they are with the right partner through or Healthy Love Quiz.

The power of loosing you

We tend to be more severe, critical and judgmental with the people that are closer to us: our partner, parents, siblings and best friends. We are usually more demanding and have higher expectations about their behaviors and their treatment toward us. I would use the world implacable to describe us. 

How come we can be so hard on them if they are the ones we love most?  We care so much about them, that it is extremely important to us to correct them, to let them know we won't put up with their injustices or selfishness and to teach them how to behave, because we want them to fit in our mold of perfection. I guess unconsciously we don't want to loose that relationship. Therefore, we try to control anything that we see as a deviation of our ideal image of love.

Let me tell you that in the problem is the solution. Whenever you are tempted to be hard on someone you love, think about this: how would you feel if tomorrow this person was gone forever? Every time, I see the possibility that this could be the last day of the life of the ones I love, I get more tolerant, patient and understanding with them. Those things that annoy me are not important anymore compared to what their loss would mean to me.

The idea of loosing someone forever is so powerful that it lead us to a new perspective about the conflicts we have with them, and at the same time it can prevent us from being hard on them.

One thing to do for non complaining

 Have you find yourself trapped in the vicious circle of complaining about everything? Have you notice that more often than not, most of your talk is full of complaints. Is people starting to avoid you because they perceive your negative vibes? Is your partner tired of your complaints? If you answer is yes to most of these questions, you are a complainer, or at least you are in the way to become one.

When people tag you as complainer, you 'd better watch out because your reputation is at stake. Moreover, this negativity will attract more negativity and your situation might get worse.  That is why when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, everything seems to go wrong. Complaining brings more negative things to you and doesn't bring any solution to the situation that is annoying you.

It is very difficult to break this pattern of complaining, but you will find some techniques that will chase away those dark clouds over your head. The simplest and practical one is this: if you find yourself complaining,  apply this easy formula:

"Complaint" + "but"+ " positive statement"

An example on how to apply this formula is this : "I hate when the meetings start very early in the morning since I have to wake up earlier (complaint) , BUT I know I can accomplish more tasks during that day (positive statement). Here is another one: "I don't like my hair (complaint), BUT I am grateful to have hair( positive statement). I could have been bald".

Remember that every problem is an opportunity, but first you have to stop complaining in order to adopt this approach. Use the "but" formula and stop complaining now.

Any other techniques that you would like to share?

Three ways to deal with breakups.

Breakups are one of the hardest experience you can go through during your life. They can leave you scars and painful memories but they also can make you stronger. They might look as we are never going to recover or like you are never going to be in love again. But trust me, this chapter of your life will pass and you will be happy again.

Meanwhile, there are several things that you can do to help deal with this crisis. Susan J. Elliot in her book "Getting Past Your Breakup. How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" have a complete list of activities to support you in this process. Nonetheless, there are three that I find extremely useful:

1. Going no contact. you might find a long list of reasons why you should keep in touch with your ex, but doing so will prolong your pain and leave you feeling frustrated. With every encounter, you will  experience the breakup over an over again.  Avoid all kind of contact! And I will stress these words : ANY KIND!

2. Look for support in your friendship network. Anytime you feel depressed or in despair for contacting your ex, agree with a friend that you will call her/him instead. Remember this song: "that's what friends are for!"

3. Journal. Journaling is one of the most healing activities. Every time you feel bad, you can go to your journal and express all your feelings whether they are positive or negative. Everything will be between you and your journal. The best part of it is that you won't be judge and it will help you to move forward.

I want to believe that Ms. Elliot is right when she says that this devastating loss will be the best thing that ever happened to you. You have to believe it too if you want to overcome pain and find happiness again, but first give you the time for grief and for acceptance.

Next time you ignore me: stonewalling your partner

Mary have been in a relation with Jack for the last 7 years.They met at work and it was love at first sight. "I just saw his eyes for the first time and that was it. I couldn't take him out of my mind". Seven years later, it is difficult for Mary to believe that she is considering leaving Jack. As she stated, "I can't take it anymore. Every time we have a fight, he won't talk to me for days, and this hurts me profoundly. I feel lonely and with a burden in my chest. Then, he starts to talk to me again, but since we couldn't arrange the things we were arguing about, I feel frustrated an exhausted. I am wondering if this will change one day. I cannot imagine go over an over this situation for the rest of my life".

Mary, like many other women and men, are facing Stonewalling. Stonewalling is the refusal to cooperate, to resolve the conflict, to listen to the other point of view or to compromise.  Stonewalling may include to ignore the other person, or punish him/her with the silence treatment which is by the way a form of abuse because its objective is to control the partner. If you think you might be in abusive relationship take the Healthy Love Quiz for iPhone:https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8

Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and a way of punishing a partner for complaining, failing to comply with the desires of the stonewallers or trying not to make an argument worse. Nonetheless, this behavior is as painful and harmful to the other person as any other form of violence. In the long term, it can have health consequences for your partner.

How to deal with stonewalling:

1. You and your partner must be aware that stonewalling is a form of abuse that might destroy your relationship. Find out what you are partner is feeling or thinking when you stonewall or when he/she does it.

2. Discuss with your partner ways to deal with this situation. If you are not able to discuss it by yourselves, look for couple counseling.

3. Agree that if one of you need a time off to calm down,  it is OK to do so, but you must be specific on how long it will last.

4. Keep in mind the next time you are stonewalling your partner, that it could be the last time, since they might choose to leave rather than continue enduring your stonewalling.

Overcoming defensiveness: 5 tips to save your relationship.

Being defensive when your partner is trying to tell you that something is not working right is the best recipe for communication failure.  Defensiveness is understandable, since nobody like to be criticize or have the feeling of inadequacy and imperfection when someone is complaining about you, but its results are harmful for your relationships. First, the situation that is bringing the conflict in the couple will not be resolved, because you tend to react overly sensitive, blaming your partner, complaining, getting angry instead of listening to what your partner is saying. 

Second, you will loose an opportunity to let your partner know that you care about him/ her and his/her feelings and how he/she sees the situation. Off course, that doesn't mean that he/ she is right and you are wrong. It is matter of different points of views and how to find a middle ground. And defensiveness is blocking the road to this midpoint.

Third, defensiveness don't help you to focus in the real issue. You might be bringing other topics to the discussion in order to counterattack, you might be using manipulation to put the blame in your partner or you might be misinterpreting the intentions of your mate.

To scape from the trap of defensiveness, a degree of self-control is required. These tips might help you to deal with this matter:

1. Remember all the talents, abilities and positive traits that you have. Relay in your self-worth and remember that the complain that your partner is bringing to the table doesn't mean that you worth less.

2. Let your partner express all that he/she has to say until he/she has finished. Listen carefully without judgements and try to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. Ask questions to try to clarify the situation. Think that this is not about you or against you.

3.  Do not react immediately. Breathe and take your time to react to the complain. Count to ten if necessary to cool off. Make a reality check: How are you feeling? Is your body still tense?

4. Take responsibility for whatever is happening. After all, it takes two to have a conflict and this is the person you have chosen to be with.

5. If you are unable to respond calmly, it is better to agree to take a brief pause and to return to the discussion once you are able to control yourself and to respond to your partner without anger. This is not stonewalling, because you have to agree to take a time off with the objective to calm down and to avoid harmful responses. Stonewalling is a tactic which objective is to punish and control the other personal not to regain self-control.

If your relationship is a priority for you, are you willing to overcome defensiveness? With practice, you will find it less and less difficult to get rid of defending your self and communication will improve significantly.

Let know how are you doing in applying those tips.

Saving your relationship: no more criticism for your partner!

In my last post, I commented that criticizing your partner is a good predictor of a future breakup/divorce. If you want to protect your relationship and want to prevent it from ending, you must stop criticism.  I know that It is not realistic not to complain about things you do not like about your partner, but here are some tips you might find useful:

1. If you have to complain, focus on the action or situation, not on the person. 

2. Remember all the things you like about your parner, before saying anything.

3. If you are angry, wait until you are calm to express what it is bothering you.

4. Ask yourself: do you want to be right or do you prefer to be happy? Remember that everyone does things in different ways and we must be respectful of these differences as long as they don't hurt anyone.

5. Above all, do not insult, humiliate, demean or belittled him/her because this is an abusive behavior. If you think you are being abusive with your partner, try the Healthy Love App for iPhone: https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8, and take the healthy love quiz from the point of view of your partner.

Be kind, after all this is the person you have chosen to be your partner! 

Five things that could kill your relationship

According to relationship expert, John Gottman, there are 5 things that can predict accurately if you relationship will last or will end. If you identify these five signs, you should be careful because you are in the path to destroy your Love:

1. Criticism. It is not a matter of expressing that you feel uncomfortable with some behaviors or actions of your partner. It is a matter of expressing judgement or disapproval to the person itself, their personality or character.

2. Contempt. You are not feeling respect for your partner, you regard him/her with disdain, as inferior or worthless and treat him/her with sarcasm/ cynicism to the point you demean him/ her.  Watch out if you use sentences like "you always..." Or "you never", they are good indicators for the presence of contempt.

3. Defensiveness. If you react overly sensitive or in a very strong way when your partner make a complaint, suggestion or observation, you are being defensive.  You may react blaming your partner, responding with a counterattack or having an innocent-victim attitude. You deny your responsibility in whatever started the conflict, loosing an opportunity for improving your communication.

4. Stonewalling. After several episodes of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, the response might be stonewalling, that is the refusal to cooperate, to resolve the conflict, to listen to the other point of view or to compromise.  Stonewalling may include to ignore the other person, or punish him/her with the silence treatment which is by the way a form of abuse because its objective is to control the partner.

5. Finally, if repair attempts don't work, you relationships might be facing the worst scenario. Repair attempts are statements/ actions that a person say/ take to prevent the situation from getting out of control or escalating in an harmful way. For example saying "I'm sorry", hugging the other person, show empathy, etc. 

If you detect these signs in your relationship, there is 90% of probability that you will breakup in the future.

In my next posts, I will tell you what you can do to improve some of these issues.

Four rules to choose a partner

One of the hardest decision in our lives is knowing when to leave a relationship, specially for women. Women have been educated to endure, to please and to think more about others than about themselves. That is why when they finally decide to leave a relationship, things have deteriorated greatly. The emotional cost is high!  Therefore, we suggest to adopt a prevention focus when choosing  a partner.

A prevention focus means following four simple rules:

1. Be aware that choosing a partner is a decision that can have a huge impact in your life.

2. Work in your self-esteem. Having a high self-esteem will prevent you from jumping into a romantic relationship with the first person that crosses your path.

3. Take time to know better the person you are dating before establishing a love relationship. Know about how he/she behaved in past relationships in order to identify patterns. After all, the probability to repeat this behaviors is high. Observe his/her attitudes toward gender equality, beliefs about roles in a couple, lifestyles, etc.

4. Be clear since the beginning about the things that are important for you and that are non-negotiable. After all, having a partner doesn't mean you have to abandon your life as it was before. In other words, do not isolate yourself. Isolation takes place in abusive relationships.

Please tell us your stories and experiences or send us your contribution. Write us at socialinclusionapps@gmail.com.

Healthy love: an App for finding out if you are with right partner

One of the most important decisions in our lives is whom we choose as partner. As Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of the bookLean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, has stated: “The Most Important Career Choice You'll Make Is Who You Marry”. Moreover, this decision can have a huge impact on our health and our life.

Worldwide, three out of ten ever-partnered women have experienced intimate partner violence (IPV) at some point of their life. Women affected by IPV are more vulnerable to HIV infection, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), alcohol use, depression, suicide, injuries, and death from homicide.  Therefore, choosing a partner can be a life or death decision.

Many women are striving to get out of abusive relationships, while others are not even aware they are experiencing IPV. Healthy Love App is a tool for those women that wish to be in a peaceful, respectful and loving relationship. This App will give them clues to find out if they are with the right partner.

Healthy Love App has been developed by two appreneurs from El Salvador and Mexico."Our apps are aimed to promote a life free from violence against women and an inclusive and positive focus about our lives, our relationships and our society. Violence against women is an epidemic problem and the Apps can be part of the solution", explained the appreneurs.

Download Healthy Love App for IPhone now and share it with your female friends! https://itunes.apple.com/sv/app/healthy-love/id841472988?l=en&mt=8

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